I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize