I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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