I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I want a musical about memes.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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