She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
