Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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