We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
