Plan B is the new Plan A
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
