Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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