I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
