I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
