Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
