I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
