I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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