totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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