; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
