I think I won the penis lottery.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
