By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We smell like vodka and hangover
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