my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize