thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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