saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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