where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
babies were throwing up all over the place
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
