He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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