I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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