Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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