The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize