the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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