i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize