Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize