just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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