the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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