...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
