we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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