We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
