Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i believe in u and ur pee
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