I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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