Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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