Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
