So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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