Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
