Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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