I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
