you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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