I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
