Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm like, not good at living.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
