Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
