I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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