I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
