found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
