and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
