I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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