Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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