I think i peed on brittanys purse
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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