Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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