I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
