I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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