she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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