I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
