Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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